Nice work! I was in a similar position years ago, at a time when I felt like I was an apt communicator and mediator. And thennnnn things got complicated (it came with the onslaught of COVID and protests and a traumatizing interaction with one of my family members). I ended up shutting down and couldn’t reach within to find the tools because my anxiety all of a sudden was at an 11 and I couldn’t turn the volume down.
Within a few years I experienced one intense community situation after another (someone sending people after me to harass me/ exclude me from gatherings, someone else’s dog attacking my dog and injuring my wrist, a housemate who began locking me out of the house and doing things to intimidate me on the regular). I LOVED the idea of community, and now I feel like I have to take some years to rebuild my nervous system to participate again—or change the way I participate (like keep it to professional / community settings outside of my home so I have a safe place to decompress).
Hearing about you doing this work though is very inspiring. Putting it into practice is so intense but I also know it can be incredibly rewarding. Thanks so much for sharing your experience!!
It's sad to see people have negative, even traumatizing experiences around community. I think no matter how skilled a communicator we might be, there are some situations that you need to exit. My message here is definitely not to stick around in toxic situations, but to equip yourself with the tools to navigate any of these kinds of conflict with more grace, understanding, and patience.
In this article forgot to include that this person is actually moving on to a different situation, and has realized that they are not ready for community spaces. Sharing life in such a way can press people's buttons!
Totally… I was such a big proponent of community living and organizations, but I really got a crash course in how power dynamics and egos can lead things astray—causing significant damage and breaking down individual confidences. It really takes a lot of maturity and skillful negotiations to navigate that terrain. But I do know it’s also SO important and a natural part of our evolution and healing to gravitate back into healthier community dynamics.
Well said. It's tough but it's necessary. The kind of maturity we need to avoid international wars and resource disputes starts with the maturity of handling personal conflicts with throwing tantrums.
in time, everything becomes a Meme & caricature. 'conscious capitalism'... haven't got a word for 'cultural commodification (ie. spiritual new age intentional community')'...
everywhere i look - i just want to retire in peace & be like my very expensive physiotherapist (lol, y'all have 'conscious community') from 20 years ago - "just act dumb (pretend not to know/care)" - i saw it as lazy & blinkered, now i see it as an act of survival.
i didn't get it. i cared way too much about people & causes that i get no benefit/return from. behaving a certain way is unnatural for me - but i genuinely have more luck/returns collecting & flipping trash (& generally being 'miserable' scavenger that's not even on a poverty line that doesn't exist - i might get mega lucky on crypto or something, who knows) than i get from trying to 'expand my horizons' either in community or corporate settings.
community being my default preference. but lately it's gotten too white, too ridiculous, too codependent for me - lone wolf being a preferable mode of operation amongst the given options (not open, communal & gregarious... ouch).
international politics is international politics - power, machines, etc. if the wealthy 'cabal' want to nuke, they will nuke. lol
haha. precisely why i choose to deal with the discomfort of 'isolation' & the weird 'noiseless' sensations/'emotional dryness' of more 'professional' offerings/environments... over all the unproductive dramas... even if it's not directed at me nor i'm a direct participant - it just sucks me dry.
... the lack of personal growth & money, either way.
when i was a hippie in Central America, even sporadically nomadic pre-covid... it's the whole mix of it that i find hard to handle - first i had to dissolve my egoic frames of reference AND THEN they're always overpowering me.
processing it was really hard & weird for a while because there was a half-aboriginal family that i was living with for a while in Australia in Crystal Waters Eco Village...
i've seen them lose their shit (not at me)... and it just is what it is...
just very different priorities & what is available/desired... and background/brains... i can't do 'the conscious community movement'... too much of a contrarian personality X-D and when i do open myself up without filters, i become discombobulated/schizophrenic LOL!!!!
{Nothing is ideal... keep moving x (this is for me)}
Appreciate your insights & documentation of your journey
This is so true to my community life experience, Nicole, you are definitely not alone! One thing I would suggest looking at is Restorative Circles. We used that approach in Lancaster Cohousing and I found it very effective. From Dominic Barter — and it draws deeply from NVC, while not overloading with NVC jargon. https://www.restorativecircles.org/ and I'd be happy to answer questions around my own experience if that would help.
I'm also a fan of the Art of Hosting, but that isn't designed for conflict resolution specifically. I don't have other direct experience of conflict resolution tools. What would be rather good would be if we could, on behalf of intentional communities in particular, gather resources on community-mediated conflict resolution in particular, and maybe more generally, how to be aware of situations and personal behaviour patterns that are prone to leading to conflict. There seems to be little clarity around questions like, how exactly can we (collectively) best intervene when we sense an awkward, potentially divisive or polarising behaviour or situation appearing?
Great article, Nicole! I think most of us are not raised with the conflict resolution skills necessary to get past conflict when it presents itself. Therefore it is much easier to isolate and live with your immediate family (who will love you through your unhinged outbursts ;) than to challenge yourself to navigating conflict in community.
In my experience of living in community, I'm actually shocked how many people aren't even willing to come to the table for mediation, and would rather just sweep things under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. It's through growth in the resolution of conflict that we grow and understand each other so much better.
Thank you for sharing this real life example! What I've learned through my own eco village "investigations" is that most communities fail because of interpersonal conflicts. Not because there is economical or organizational problems. Merely regular people not being able to solve their disagreements.
I've studied to be a social worker and solving human problems should be my specialty. I've also studied psychology and have gone through personal PTSD recovery for the past 7 years. Understanding how trauma affects ourselves and our relationships is now the biggest hot topic in social work methodology. It's such a shame that it always takes some years to get the knowledge from research into practice.
Being that professional, whose job is to come into situations and facilitate the problem solving for social work clients has taught me a lot. Learning actual theories, methods and tools on how to work through conflict and lack of resources (whether they are personal, material or societal) has been very valuable for my own future community. Still I have to keep practicing what I've learned in my everyday relationships.
I argue, that we should start using social workers and the social work research more when we begin to aim towards community oriented societies. We, social workers, are supposed to be adding wellbeing and quality of life to our clients. But the system itself is just as colonized, capitalist and oppressive as the world around it. I wish to step outside of that system and use my skills inside the eco village/community field.
I hope to see more ethically burnt out social workers providing their skills and knowledge for the use of communities who struggle with conflict and other social problems. After all, just like you say in your post; conflict resolution is a skill that can be learned. And it's many times really useful to have an objective facilitator with a good toolkit when there are traumas involved. Even I can't keep a clear head if I'm being triggered. Safety first, then good communication tools and if needed, some trauma informed practices thrown into the mix.
Let's keep sharing what we learn, experience and work through so that the skills become more available and known. It's hard work. But for me, this is the kind of work that I want to do. Not to gain money and success. But to have safe circles where to keep building better alternatives for our future.
Nicole; Insolence causes quarrels, but wisdom lies with those who accept advice. One of the most tiring experiences of life is quarreling. Another of the most tiring experiences in life is arguing. We see it in marriages, between friends, with work colleagues or in communities. In these contexts, one of the most frequent causes of quarrel is pride. If we are willing to admit our mistakes and wrongs with humility, we can avoid many quarrel and most arguments.
But there is nothing more satisfying than waiting, persevering and seeing part of your vision come true: you’re a beautiful human and extraordinary soul, don’t let people hurt you. I’ll let you read this verse from the Bible:
“A desire fulfilled is a tree of life" (v.12b) “Satisfied desire is sweetness to the soul” (v.19a).
Nice work! I was in a similar position years ago, at a time when I felt like I was an apt communicator and mediator. And thennnnn things got complicated (it came with the onslaught of COVID and protests and a traumatizing interaction with one of my family members). I ended up shutting down and couldn’t reach within to find the tools because my anxiety all of a sudden was at an 11 and I couldn’t turn the volume down.
Within a few years I experienced one intense community situation after another (someone sending people after me to harass me/ exclude me from gatherings, someone else’s dog attacking my dog and injuring my wrist, a housemate who began locking me out of the house and doing things to intimidate me on the regular). I LOVED the idea of community, and now I feel like I have to take some years to rebuild my nervous system to participate again—or change the way I participate (like keep it to professional / community settings outside of my home so I have a safe place to decompress).
Hearing about you doing this work though is very inspiring. Putting it into practice is so intense but I also know it can be incredibly rewarding. Thanks so much for sharing your experience!!
Thank you for opening up and sharing these very personal anecdotes.
It's sad to see people have negative, even traumatizing experiences around community. I think no matter how skilled a communicator we might be, there are some situations that you need to exit. My message here is definitely not to stick around in toxic situations, but to equip yourself with the tools to navigate any of these kinds of conflict with more grace, understanding, and patience.
In this article forgot to include that this person is actually moving on to a different situation, and has realized that they are not ready for community spaces. Sharing life in such a way can press people's buttons!
Totally… I was such a big proponent of community living and organizations, but I really got a crash course in how power dynamics and egos can lead things astray—causing significant damage and breaking down individual confidences. It really takes a lot of maturity and skillful negotiations to navigate that terrain. But I do know it’s also SO important and a natural part of our evolution and healing to gravitate back into healthier community dynamics.
Well said. It's tough but it's necessary. The kind of maturity we need to avoid international wars and resource disputes starts with the maturity of handling personal conflicts with throwing tantrums.
i don't see it happening.
in time, everything becomes a Meme & caricature. 'conscious capitalism'... haven't got a word for 'cultural commodification (ie. spiritual new age intentional community')'...
everywhere i look - i just want to retire in peace & be like my very expensive physiotherapist (lol, y'all have 'conscious community') from 20 years ago - "just act dumb (pretend not to know/care)" - i saw it as lazy & blinkered, now i see it as an act of survival.
i didn't get it. i cared way too much about people & causes that i get no benefit/return from. behaving a certain way is unnatural for me - but i genuinely have more luck/returns collecting & flipping trash (& generally being 'miserable' scavenger that's not even on a poverty line that doesn't exist - i might get mega lucky on crypto or something, who knows) than i get from trying to 'expand my horizons' either in community or corporate settings.
community being my default preference. but lately it's gotten too white, too ridiculous, too codependent for me - lone wolf being a preferable mode of operation amongst the given options (not open, communal & gregarious... ouch).
international politics is international politics - power, machines, etc. if the wealthy 'cabal' want to nuke, they will nuke. lol
'somatics 😆 & conflict resolution based on yogga'
haha. precisely why i choose to deal with the discomfort of 'isolation' & the weird 'noiseless' sensations/'emotional dryness' of more 'professional' offerings/environments... over all the unproductive dramas... even if it's not directed at me nor i'm a direct participant - it just sucks me dry.
... the lack of personal growth & money, either way.
when i was a hippie in Central America, even sporadically nomadic pre-covid... it's the whole mix of it that i find hard to handle - first i had to dissolve my egoic frames of reference AND THEN they're always overpowering me.
processing it was really hard & weird for a while because there was a half-aboriginal family that i was living with for a while in Australia in Crystal Waters Eco Village...
i've seen them lose their shit (not at me)... and it just is what it is...
just very different priorities & what is available/desired... and background/brains... i can't do 'the conscious community movement'... too much of a contrarian personality X-D and when i do open myself up without filters, i become discombobulated/schizophrenic LOL!!!!
{Nothing is ideal... keep moving x (this is for me)}
Appreciate your insights & documentation of your journey
This is so true to my community life experience, Nicole, you are definitely not alone! One thing I would suggest looking at is Restorative Circles. We used that approach in Lancaster Cohousing and I found it very effective. From Dominic Barter — and it draws deeply from NVC, while not overloading with NVC jargon. https://www.restorativecircles.org/ and I'd be happy to answer questions around my own experience if that would help.
Thank you for sharing this resource! I'll read some of the articles. Do you have other tools that you like to use as well?
I'm also a fan of the Art of Hosting, but that isn't designed for conflict resolution specifically. I don't have other direct experience of conflict resolution tools. What would be rather good would be if we could, on behalf of intentional communities in particular, gather resources on community-mediated conflict resolution in particular, and maybe more generally, how to be aware of situations and personal behaviour patterns that are prone to leading to conflict. There seems to be little clarity around questions like, how exactly can we (collectively) best intervene when we sense an awkward, potentially divisive or polarising behaviour or situation appearing?
Great article, Nicole! I think most of us are not raised with the conflict resolution skills necessary to get past conflict when it presents itself. Therefore it is much easier to isolate and live with your immediate family (who will love you through your unhinged outbursts ;) than to challenge yourself to navigating conflict in community.
In my experience of living in community, I'm actually shocked how many people aren't even willing to come to the table for mediation, and would rather just sweep things under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. It's through growth in the resolution of conflict that we grow and understand each other so much better.
Thanks for a wonderful post! Miss you!
Thank you for sharing this real life example! What I've learned through my own eco village "investigations" is that most communities fail because of interpersonal conflicts. Not because there is economical or organizational problems. Merely regular people not being able to solve their disagreements.
I've studied to be a social worker and solving human problems should be my specialty. I've also studied psychology and have gone through personal PTSD recovery for the past 7 years. Understanding how trauma affects ourselves and our relationships is now the biggest hot topic in social work methodology. It's such a shame that it always takes some years to get the knowledge from research into practice.
Being that professional, whose job is to come into situations and facilitate the problem solving for social work clients has taught me a lot. Learning actual theories, methods and tools on how to work through conflict and lack of resources (whether they are personal, material or societal) has been very valuable for my own future community. Still I have to keep practicing what I've learned in my everyday relationships.
I argue, that we should start using social workers and the social work research more when we begin to aim towards community oriented societies. We, social workers, are supposed to be adding wellbeing and quality of life to our clients. But the system itself is just as colonized, capitalist and oppressive as the world around it. I wish to step outside of that system and use my skills inside the eco village/community field.
I hope to see more ethically burnt out social workers providing their skills and knowledge for the use of communities who struggle with conflict and other social problems. After all, just like you say in your post; conflict resolution is a skill that can be learned. And it's many times really useful to have an objective facilitator with a good toolkit when there are traumas involved. Even I can't keep a clear head if I'm being triggered. Safety first, then good communication tools and if needed, some trauma informed practices thrown into the mix.
Let's keep sharing what we learn, experience and work through so that the skills become more available and known. It's hard work. But for me, this is the kind of work that I want to do. Not to gain money and success. But to have safe circles where to keep building better alternatives for our future.
Nicole; Insolence causes quarrels, but wisdom lies with those who accept advice. One of the most tiring experiences of life is quarreling. Another of the most tiring experiences in life is arguing. We see it in marriages, between friends, with work colleagues or in communities. In these contexts, one of the most frequent causes of quarrel is pride. If we are willing to admit our mistakes and wrongs with humility, we can avoid many quarrel and most arguments.
But there is nothing more satisfying than waiting, persevering and seeing part of your vision come true: you’re a beautiful human and extraordinary soul, don’t let people hurt you. I’ll let you read this verse from the Bible:
“A desire fulfilled is a tree of life" (v.12b) “Satisfied desire is sweetness to the soul” (v.19a).